The third and final part of LFW’s annual ball ache/season preview looks at the teams who will almost certainly make up the top seven in the Premier League this year.

Arsenal

In 140 characters or fewer… Won an actual, real trophy last season. Suddenly spending money, and spending it well.

Last Season: Not far away from being a vintage modern-day Arsenal season, but with one critical, crucial difference.

Unusually, the Gunners went out and spent big money last summer, acquiring Mesut Ozil from Real Madrid for the best part of £40m. An incredible purchase, a wonderful player, backing up everything Arsene Wenger had ever said about being willing to spend money as long as the right players was available at the right time. Just as well really, because an opening day 3-1 defeat at home to Aston Villa had made the £1,000 a season brigade very restless indeed.

Thrown in Aaron Ramsey, suddenly fully fit and starting to fulfil the potential that attracted the Gunners to him in the first place, and initially they were cooking with gas. Jack Wilshere’s penchant for big nights out, niggling ankle injuries and spending 90% of the few matches he did play laid out on the floor didn’t seem to matter that much. Arsenal were top heading towards Christmas.

Then, the annual collapse. Already out of the League Cup at the hands of Chelsea they paid the price for pissing about in their final Champions League group game, and finishing second, by drawing Bayern Munich who promptly eliminated them from that as well. And, much like their North London rivals Spurs, while the rest of the league wasn’t proving too difficult to knock over, games against the other title contenders brought big defeats — 6-3 at Man City, 5-1 at Liverpool, 6-0 at Chelsea. The Gunners remain mentally and physically fragile in those big games, too easy to brush aside in a literal and metaphorical sense.

Ozil, like Rafa van der Vaat at Spurs before him, found a bright first half of the season difficult to maintain after Christmas without the winter break he’s grown up accustomed to. By the end of the season he was barely a shadow of his former self, and looked a weak link in Germany’s World Cup team when previously he’d been the outstanding member of it.

A 3-0 defeat at Everton threatened their place in the top four altogether.

But, just as the record keepers were ready to start chalking up a ninth season without a trophy, along came the FA Cup. Much like they’d done four years previously in a League Cup final against Birmingham, they did their very best to make a complete hash of it — piss poor and lucky to beat Wigan in the semi-final on penalties, and then 2-0 down in the first ten minutes of the final against Hull, they eventually rallied to lift that elusive trophy.

The mental relief that will have given them should not be underestimated, and could be key, but God it was a close run thing.

In: Alexis Sanchez, Barcelona, £30m >>> Mathieu Debuchy, Newcastle, £12m >>> David Ospina, Nice, £3m >>> Calum Chambers, Southampton, £16m >>>

Out: Bacary Sagna, Man City, free >>> Thomas Vermaelen, Barcelona, £15m >>> Carl Jenkinson, West Ham, loan >>> Benik Afobe, MK Dons, loan >>> Lukasz Fabianski, Swansea, free >>> Johan Djourou, Hamburg, undisclosed >>> Park Chu Young, released >>> Nicklas Bendtner, Wolfsburg, free

This Season: For the second summer running, Arsenal have gone out and spent big on a supreme talent. Alexis Sanchez from Barcelona is a terrific signing, though it will be interesting to see if he, like Ozil last year, struggles after Christmas without that break. In replacing the departing Bacary Sagna with Newcastle’s Mathieu Debuchy they’ve improved the right side of their defence and Calum Chambers seems to be blossoming in a centre half role.

With the trophy drought over, and the mental baggage that comes with it lifted, plenty are tipping Arsenal for big things this season. Issues they have to deal with first…

Olivier Giroud is not a striker capable of leading the line for a title winning team. With support, yes, but on his own as the main lone striker, as he was last season, no. He scored 22 times last season, but that was in 51 appearances and that’s not prolific when you’re playing every match as a lone striker in a team with the creative talent have at their disposal. He’s a flat track bully as well — Aston Villa, Fulham, Sunderland, Palace, two against Southampton, Newcastle, Villa again, Southampton again. Zero goals against the other three sides in the top four — he was completely anonymous in every one of those games.

Secondly, they still lack physicality. Chelsea and Manchester City in particular are big, powerful sides just as the ‘unbeatable’ Arsenal team at the start of Wenger’s reign was. Back then they rampaged around with quick, powerful players like Viera, Petit, Campbell and Henry. Why Wenger has gone away from that to such an extent, to a team of tippy tappy midgets, remains a mystery. Even Roberto Martinez’s Everton, who Wenger must surely admire for their style and ideals, have a big, strong, muscular spine to the team. It was noticeable at City and Chelsea last season just how physically frail Arsenal were in comparison. Will they be so again?

An interesting sub-plot to the campaign is Jack Wilshere — hailed as the saviour of England’s midfield 18 months ago and now not even capable of getting into the national team in what is hardly a golden era for international midfielders in this country. He’s been overtaken by Jordan Henderson for goodness sake. Wilshere seems more taken with the idea of the footballer’s lifestyle than actually being a footballer at the moment — the boots, the tattoos, the cigarettes, the Vegas holidays, the nightclubs. Physically he’s in bad shape, constantly plagued by ankle injuries. On the rare occasions he does make it onto the field he spends almost the entire match on the floor, either lunging into foolish tackles or writhing around with his latest kick or knock. With the form of Aaron Ramsey, and the quality midfield talent Arsenal are signing, will he even get in their team this season when fit? A super talent in danger of going to waste.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Professor Frink — Future gazing to a time when financial fair play regulations stop other clubs buying titles. Enthusiastically pitching ideals to anybody that will listen in the meantime.

Arry Says: “They’ve spent good money Arsenal, brought some big players in there, top, top players. Arsene Wenger has been magnificent for the English game.”

Bookies say: 6/1 fourth favourites

LFW says: Fourth. A wonderful start to the season undermined by annual February/March collapse. Between them and Man Utd for third and fourth.

Chelsea

In 140 characters or fewer… Big Racist John’s barmy army look depressingly strong this season. Reuniting Mourinho and Drogba the season’s great love story.

Last Season: Well, Jose Mourinho returned, and we were told that we should be glad about that, that this country had missed him, and that he’s “good value”. Every couple of weeks Mourinho would use the absolutely crucially important pre-match press conference to make a vaguely rude comment about one of the other managers, and the national press would launch itself into the stratosphere on a tidal wave of their own cum, plastering their newspaper pages with analysis of the “war of words” for days, weeks on end. What has he said? What has he said before? What does Arsene Wenger think of this?

The question nobody seems to ever ask, is who exactly cares? Who is it, exactly, who is so fascinated by two managers making kind of veiled insults about each other through the press? Who reads this? It strikes me that apart from the old boys club in the press corp who attend these poxy conferences, and Sky Sports News HQ (they’ve rebadged it you fool) who have 24 hours of television to fill with all the shit that’s fit to shovel, nobody really gives much of a toss at all. Chelsea missed Mourinho when he was away, because he’s a genuinely world class manager, but nobody else did, because nobody else hangs on his every word, wondering just who he’s going to kind of insult next.

On the pitch (remember that, where the points are won and the goals are scored?) Mourinho admitted that Chelsea were short, particularly in attack where Fernando Torres has become a parody of himself and Demba Ba and Samuel Eto’o looked like little more than stopgaps, and so it proved. They went close on all fronts, but never really looked like succeeding, and so a rare — and hilarious — trophy-less season for Chelsea and the media’s favourite Mourinho.

In: Didier Drogba, Galatasaray, free >>> Filipe Luis, Atletico Madrid, £16m >>> Diego Costa, Atletico Madrid, £32m >>> Mario Pasalic, Hadjuk Split, free >>> Cesc Fabregas, Barcelona, £30m

Out: Ashley Cole, Roma, free >>> Frank Lampard, New York City, free >>> Sam Hutchinson, Sheff Wed, free >>> Demba Ba, Besiktas, £8m >>> Patrick van Aanholt, Sunderland, £1.5m >>> Romelu Lukaku, Everton, £28m >>> Ryan Bertrand, Southampton, loan >>> Gael Kakuta, Vallecano, loan >>> Oriol Romeu, Stuttgart, loan >>> David Luiz, Paris SG, £40m >>> Samuel Eto’o, released >>> Hilario, released >>> Christian Atsu, Everton, loan

This Season: Let’s get this over with as quickly as possible eh?
Mourinho doesn’t do consecutive seasons without trophies, and neither do Chelsea in the modern era. Every weakness they had last season has been addressed. Of course Diego Costa may not settle, may not suit English football, or may get injured, and if he does then they’ll be short in attack all over again. But I doubt it somehow.

Cesc Fabregas has been added to the midfield and between those two new comers Mourinho will be able to select from Eden Hazard, Oscar, Andre Schurrle, Mohamed Salah and others. It’s a formidable line up, plenty good enough to win the title, which sadly is exactly what I think they’ll do.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Fat Tony — let us win, and nobody gets hurt.

Arry Says: “Listen Fwank was a special playa you know. I saw that on my first day at West Ham, people said this and tha, but he was always going to be a top, top player. Proper professional.”

Bookies say: 2/1 title favourites

LFW says: Champions. Urgh. And probably very boring with it. Let’s move on.

Everton

In 140 characters or fewer… The rise and rise of Roberto Martinez shows few signs of slowing just yet.

Last Season: So we thought we knew the score at Everton. A club punching way above its weight, stuck in a creaking old stadium unable to provide the same income as the more modern venues of their rivals, kept artificially high in the Premier League standings solely by the managerial brilliance of long serving gaffer David Moyes and his fabled secret room of transfer targets which kept remorselessly turning up £2m and £3m bargains who they later flogged on for £20m that they could reinvest. When Moyes leaves, we said, they'll be disappearing over the horizon on shit creek.

Not true. Any of it. In fact, Everton have moved up another level altogether since Moyes jumped ship after ten years with the club for an ill-fated spell at Manchester United.

Chairman Bill Kenwright pulled off a masterstroke in appointing former Wigan boss Roberto Martinez last summer, when a recent relegation to the Championship perhaps put others off his services. In fact, Wigan would have been dead in the ground long ago but for the Spaniard's innovative methods and tactics, and sharp eye for a player. Given a better quality of player and some more money to spend last season, Martinez created a gloriously entertaining Everton side that, in the end, was desperately unlucky to miss out on the Champions League places.

Critics argued they'd played the weird and wonderful rules of the loan market a little too readily — Gareth Barry and Romelu Lukaku came in from clubs they were supposed to be competing with and Gerard Deulofeu came in from Barcelona, but there's nothing illegal in that and in fact Everton have smashed their club record to bring Lukaku in permanently from Chelsea this summer as well as picking Barry up at the end of his Man City contract. Players like Leighton Baines and Seamus Coleman thrived in Martinez's favoured system which makes the two full backs/wing backs the most important men on the field. Ross Barkley, a youth team graduate, was a revelation.

In a season when they did the double over Manchester United (take that Moyes, and your secret room) and hammered Arsenal 3-0 at home I actually thought their best performances came in the first half of a Monday Night Football game against Newcastle in September when they were 3-0 up at half time, and in the corresponding fixture at the Emirates Stadium where only a late goal from Deulofeu won them a point but they'd taught Arsenal a footballing lesson all afternoon, without applying the finishing touches.

In: Romelu Lukaku, Chelsea, £28m >>> Gareth Barry, Man City, free >>> Muhamed Besic, Ferencvaros, £4.8m >>> Christian Atsu, Chelsea, loan

Out:Apostolos Vellios, Lierse, free >>> Magaye Gueye, Millwall, free

This Season: The question is, can Everton ever break through that ceiling above them? Because David Moyes got them to the level they were at last season — admittedly while not playing such scintillating football — but only came close to getting them further and either Champions League qualification or a major domestic trophy on a couple of occasions. They lost a couple of cup semi finals and a final, and were beaten by Villareal in a Champions League qualifier when they'd been unlucky to get the toughest draw possible and then got shafted by the referee.

Roberto Martinez is brilliant. The football we saw from the likes of Colombia and Chile at the World Cup just gone, with fluid formations, high-speed technical players and goalkeepers with control and passing ability better than most outfield players, has been pioneered in this country by the Spaniard for years, in the lower divisions with Swansea and at unfashionable Wigan. He will, surely, one day be given one of the game's top jobs, and I guess then we'll see, but for now he could really cement his reputation by pushing Everton into that four, or winning a trophy with them.

Otherwise critics will be able to say that for all the work he did at Wigan , they were still relegated, and for everything he's done at Everton, they didn’t get any further under him than they did under the now much-maligned David Moyes. The permanent signing of Lukaku is a statement of intent, and he'll hope to have Aruna Kone to call on this season, a shrewd signing from Wigan last summer who unfortunately only played six times last season because of injury. That's a formidable strike force to get on the end of some of the best wide area service in the Premier League from the likes of Baines, Coleman and Kevin Mirallas.

Potentially a good bet in one of the cups.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… The Old Sea Captain - As old as time itself, achieved things in the dim and distant past that nobody can quite remember.

Arry Says: “There’s a boy at Everton, Martinez, who could be the next England manager for shore.”

Bookies say: 150/1 seventh favourites

LFW says: Sixth. While the extra European games will be a worry, they’re a better team than Tottenham and they’ll run Liverpool close unless injuries bite. Still short of the top four though.

Liverpool

In 140 characters or fewer… Vampire-less Liverpool may be left reflecting that an injury-free, European-free 2013/14 was in fact their best chance to win the title.

Last Season: Choked.

Liverpool had finished seventh in 2012/13 and pundits were split on whether they'd even challenge for Champions League spots last season, never mind the title, particularly with star striker Luis Suarez serving a suspension for the first couple of months of the season for the second of what has since turned out to be three occasions of him trying to feast on opponents mid match.

But when Suarez was finally released from the padded room once more, he was in sumptuous form. He hit the ground running immediately, scoring 22 goals in his first 18 appearances — although four of those were against Norwich , and he finds it so easy to bag against them those should probably only count half. Alongside him, Daniel Sturridge also started to fulfil his long held potential — 11 goals in his first 13 outing last season.

Liverpool lost twice, narrowly, over Christmas to title rivals Manchester City and Chelsea, suggesting they weren't quite at that level yet, but while the sides around them had European and cup run distractions, Liverpool were focused solely on the league for the second half of the season and attacked it with an almost entirely clean bill of health. They followed those two defeats with an unbeaten run that stretched across 16 league matches and included 14 victories.

Suddenly you couldn't move down Putney High Street for Liverpool shirts. Everybody started to remember they'd actually always supported them since they were a kid, honest, and we were treated to never ending footage, Tweets and Facebook updates of melts who would gather outside Anfield before games to wave flags and flares at the team bus as it arrived, creating a road traffic hazard in the process. As much as Manchester United and Chelsea winning things is wholly unpalatable, you couldn't shake the nagging feeling that if Liverpool were actually able to go on and win this thing, we'd never hear the bloody end of it. It would be like the Queen had died, all the radio stations in the country flicking to the emergency broadcast signal which would just by ColinMurray and DJ Spooney occasionally interrupting You'll Never Walk Alone to talk about how incredibly passionate they've always been about Liverpool and how they never miss a game home and away and just how fucking wonderful the whole thing was.

Still, it's better than Big Racist John lifting the trophy I guess, so we mumbled vague approval and tuned in for the remaining games. Three from the end of the season, against a Chelsea team that had come to Anfield with the expressed purpose of drawing 0-0, Steven Gerrard's first half slip gifted Demba Ba an opening goal that destroyed Liverpool's season. A week later, when 3-0 up at Crystal Palace, they suddenly realised they could salvage the situation with a six or seven goal haul as they tried to catch new leaders Manchester City, only to ship three at the other end in the last ten minutes. And so the dream was dead for another year.

Everybody has a new Chevrolet Manchester United shirt in Putney now. They've all always admired Louis Van Gaal apparently.

In: Adam Lallana, Southampton, £25m >>> Emre Can, Bayer Leverkusen, £10m >>> Lazar Markovic, Benfica, £20m >>> Dejan Lovren, Southampton, £20m >>> Divock Origi, Lille, £10m >>> Javi Manquillo, Atletico Madrid, loan >>> Rickie Lambert, Southampton, £4m

Out: Martin Kelly, Palace, undisclosed >>> Pepe Reina, Bayern Munich, free >>> Luis Suarez, Barcelona, £75m >>> Adam Morgan, Yeovil, free >>> Andre Wisdom, West Brom, loan >>> Iago Aspas, Sevilla, loan >>> Divock Origi, Lille, loan >>> Luis Alberto, Malaga, loan.

This Season: The working theory is, that last season's heartbreak might not matter that much in the long run. Liverpool are ready to rise again under the management of Brendan Rodgers, who is changing the whole outlook and philosophy of the club having served his apprenticeships at smaller clubs in the style of Bill Shankley and all that other lot they prattle on about incessantly in L4.

That may well be true. Rodgers frequently comes across as a bit of an arse, twittering on about collectiveness and togetherness and teaminess like some real life management-speak riddled David Brent character, but there's no denying the fantastic jobs he did at Watford, Reading and so far at Liverpool . Let's not forget it's only a couple of years since Kenny Dalglish — who can do no wrong in these parts of course — was saddling the club with horrendously overpriced tat like Andy Carroll and Stewart Downing, essentially building a posh version of the dire West Ham team Sam Allardyce is currently brutalising opponents with.

Liverpool are now absolutely awesome to watch, working off a collection of triangles formed around a central pivot — usually the supremely talented Philippe Coutinho who was shamefully overlooked buy the worst Brazilian team in living memory this summer — and they score goals for fun. At times last season when their defence went to shit — Stoke away a prime example — they switched into full on Kevin Keegan mode and just outscored their opponents anyway — they beat Cardiff 6-3, Swansea 4-3, and Stoke 5-3 in exhilarating encounters. Only the most hardened Everton or Man Utd fan would begrudge them a league title over Chelsea and Mourinho's own special brand of sleep inducing sludge.

But I fear they've missed the boat. They will never have it as good as they had it last season again. They'll never have a striker as good as Luis Suarez, in as good a form as Luis Suarez was in for the whole of the campaign, again. They'll probably not be without European football and the distractions and extra games that brings again. Will they ever have such a clean bill of health throughout the season again? Manchester United will never be that bad again.

Last season they had the best two strikers in the league, no injuries, and one match a week. That was their chance. That was their time. And they blew it.

This season they have no Suarez, more matches, and Chelsea, Manchester United and Arsenal have all improved. Tough times.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Grandpa Simpson: Achieved nothing for years but never shy of talking your ear off about the last time they did.

Arry Says: “Gowls win you games and strikers score you gowls. You live and die by your gowls and your strikers. So thewy’ll do wewll to replace the boy Suarez. Brendan’s a top, top manager. Triffic manager. I would have made him my assistant if I’d been England boss. Can’t prove it’s not true can you?”

Bookies say: Fifth favourites at tens, elevens and twelves.

LFW says: Fifth. Missed their big chance last season. With no Suarez, a whole new team to bed down, and Man Utd and Arsenal improving, they’ll now struggle to make the four.

Man City

In 140 characters or fewer… Yaya Toure’s birthday is May 13.

Last Season: When Manchester City when the Premier League title with the very last kick of 2011/12 their long suffering support celebrated like there was no tomorrow in a sea of Sergio Aguero and Martin Tyler’s saliva. It felt like a moment where football could just stop, having produced everything it was ever likely to, and let us all go off and do something else with our weekends.

City, of course, bought that title. But then rarely in modern day football does anybody achieve anything without spending serious money. The Premier League is little more than an arm’s race, with Chelsea and Man City leading the way because they can spend more than anybody else. You don’t get teams building steadily and rising up to win league titles, like Leeds in the early 1990s, Forest in the 1980s or Derby in the 1970s any more. Blackburn bought the league title in 1995. Chelsea have bought every trophy they’ve ever won in the modern era. Manchester United likewise — every summer during the 1990s Manchester United would go out and buy the two outstanding players from the year before, and if the selling club resisted they just used the press to unsettle them. Manchester City used to pull 30,000 people into Maine Road for Second Division games against Blackpool, so let’s not go begrudging them this era of dominance they seem set to embark on because it’s all funded by a Sheikh.

The coverage of their title win last season was odd. The media had been so busy wanking itself into a frenzy, to the point of the skin peeling off, about the impending coronation of Liverpool, stopping only very occasionally to bring us live minute-by-minute updates of the latest utterly fascinating “war of words” involving Jose Mourinho, that they didn’t seem to notice Manchester City were actually quite good themselves. Well, City had spent £100m adding to an already quality team, the argument went, which isn’t nearly as romantic and interesting as Liverpool being bankrolled to the title by an American baseball club owner. And never mind Yaya Toure, a uniquely talented midfield player, the outstanding player in his position in the country, what about Suarez eh? Did you see him?

When Liverpool choked the rhetoric was about City winning the league “by default” — this a team that won 17 and drew one of 19 home matches and scored 102 league goals in total. They beat Norwich 7-0, Tottenham 6-0 and 5-0, Arsenal 6-3, Man Utd 4-1. They won the League Cup as well, which is and should still be a big deal to a club that has had such a barren recent history. Not a bad start for new manager Manuel Pellegrini — not that anybody seemed to notice or care very much.

In: Fernando, Porto, £12m >>> Bacaray Sagna, Arsenal, free >>> Wilfredo Caballero, Malaga, £6m >>> Bruno Zuculini, Racing Club, £3m >>> Eliaquim Mangala, Porto, £32m >>> Frank Lampard, New York City, loan

Out: Gareth Barry, Everton, free >>> Jack Rodwell, Sunderland, £10m >>> Emyr Huws, Wigan, loan >>> Joleon Lescott, West Brom, free >>> Costel Pantilimon, Sunderland, free

This Season: That weird attitude towards City, like they somehow don’t count, has continued to a large extent this summer.

To a man, the pundits tip Chelsea for the title — just as we’ve done — and they talk about Diego Costa and Cesc Fabregas and whether Cech or Courtois will play in goal and countdown Mourinho’s top ten greatest wars of words. They talk about Arsenal as if they’ve gone out and addressed the chronic lack of physicality in their team which continuously proves their undoing against the best teams in this country, when in fact they’ve done nothing of the sort.

And then there’s Van Gaal. Behold Van Gaal. Look at him, feast your eyes. He took a goalkeeper off before a penalty shoot out and won you know? Did you know that? Here’s a three page spread on their latest pre-season friendly so we can chart everything that Van Gaal does and says. United cannot possibly fail, despite sporting much the same team that wasn’t good enough in any area of the pitch to compete in any of the competitions it entered last season.

City? Well they popped out over the summer and spent £32m on Eliaquim Mangala and nobody noticed. Barely even a news in brief. If Van Gaal had bought him there’d be a helicopter circling his new Cheshire mansion 24 hours a day, beaming pictures back to the Sky Sports News HQ (they’ve rebadged it you fool) where they can be projected onto Jim White’s ball bag for in depth analyses while some airhead model stands at the side and tells us what Connor Wickham thinks of it all on the Twitter.

Chelsea have improved, and they needed to. Manchester City were the best team in the league last season and deserved to win it. They will be strong again.

If they were a character from Family Guy… Glen Quagmire — Scores. A lot.

Arry Says: “Listen Fwank still is a special playa you know. I saw that on my first day at West Ham, people said this and tha, but he was always going to be a top, top player. Proper professional.”

Bookies say: 13/5 second favourites

LFW says: Second. Haven’t quite progressed as much as Chelsea this summer, but still considerably better than everybody else.

Man Utd

In 140 characters or fewer… Hoping to return to the intensely dislikeable, big-mouthed, referee baiting glory days after 12 months of making a nation happy.

Last Season: Well it was always likely to be the case that the man who replaces the man who replaces Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford had a it a good deal easier than his predecessor. But few could have predicted just how hilariously badly it would go for David Moyes who'd taken on a corpse-like appearance by the end of the campaign.

Alex Ferguson must shoulder some of the blame. He'd allowed the United squad to drift in a way he simply wouldn't have done if he thought he was staying long term. Players like Paul Pogba left looking for first team football while he brought Paul Scholes out of retirement — you only have to look at how Scholes, David Beckham and others burst onto the scene in the first place to know had Ferguson been in it for the long haul he'd have been picking youngsters. He wasn't, and as a consequence he left a squad badly short in the centre of midfield, and with three of its first choice back four right at the very end of their careers. Him sitting at the back of the stand next to Mick fucking Hucknall at every game, ready for the TV cameras to gauge his reaction after every goal conceded, didn't help much either.

So Moyes was on a sticky wicket to begin with, but my word did he make a mess of it. Having spent the entire summer trying to get Marouane Fellaini and Leighton Baines to follow him from Goodison Park — one he succeeded with and wished he hadn't, the other stayed put — he quickly started to clock up some alarming results. They lost their first two big games of the season — 1-0 at Liverpool and 4-1 at Man City — and were beaten at home by West Brom. The rest of the league smelt blood and soon everybody was winning at Old Trafford — Tottenham, Newcastle, Swansea , Everton, all the greats. Liverpool and Man City both won 3-0 there.

In the end, dumped out of the Champions League by Bayern Munich after a near miss against Olympiakos, United were ruled out of qualifying for Europe's top competition for 2014/15 with a 2-0 defeat at Moyes' former club. That triggered a clause in his five year contract that meant he could be sacked for minimal compensation, and United's board pulled the trigger the following morning.

In hindsight, getting rid of the whole United backroom team and bringing his favoured coaches from Everton probably wasn't shrewd. Neither was telling United's experienced, trophy-laden back four that they should watch Phil Jagielka and learn lessons from his game.

You couldn’t help but feel sorry for a manager whose whole career, steadily cultivated through spells at Preston and a ten year stint at Everton, had been leading up to this moment. Sky cutting to shots of his father in the stand, looking down helplessly at his stricken son, was heartbreaking. It’s only going to encourage the crazy hiring and firing of unproven nobodies like Andre Villas Boas.

But for those of us who have grown up loathing United, and their megastore, and their glory hunting supporters, and their Asian fan clubs, and the bus loads of pricks that come to watch them from hundreds of miles away, and that bloke on the tannoy who addresses everybody as “Old Trafford”, and Eric Cantona, and those pathetic banners they hang around the place, and the bloody official song book, and the way they refuse to sit down at away games like everybody else because they’re just that special, and everything else, last season was beautiful. It was beautiful. It was like making love to the most incredible girl you’ve ever met in your entire life. For nine months.

The only problem is, QPR chose that season to be away. The one chance they had to beat them, an they were busy messing around with Doncaster Rovers. Still, that only dulled the unbridled pleasure I took from Manchester United 2013/14 ever so slightly. Thank you David.

In: Ander Herrera, Bilbao, £29m >>> Luke Shaw, Southampton, £29m

Out: Nemanja Vidic, Inter, free >>> Rio Ferdinand, QPR, free >>> Patrice Evra, Juventus, £1.2m >>> Bebe, Benfica, £2.4m >>> Alex Buttner, Dinamo Moscow, £4.4m >>> Federico Macheda, Cardiff, free >>> Ryan Giggs, retired

This Season: Louis Van Gaal’s successful punt on changing his goalkeeper just before the start of a World Cup penalty shoot-out elevated him from genius to demi-God in the eyes of the sycophantic British press. He can do no wrong at the moment his arrival is apparently so important that the “London” Evening Standard has regularly been dedicating three pages of its sports section to United’s pre-season friendlies.
It seems you can expect to see more of Van Gaal than you do of your wife and kids over the next nine months so help alleviate the excruciating boredom of hearing his opinions on everything from Luke Shaw’s bench press ability to escalating situation in Gaza by watching out for the three things he likes to fill his interviews with: reference to his wife, reference to his balls, and referring to himself in the third person. “Van Gaal is confused by Tom Cleverley’s reason for existing,” that sort of thing.

What nobody has really been saying, until Paul Scholes today, is that United’s desperate season last time out was not entirely down to David Moyes. The squad isn’t good enough. Last season it was weak in midfield, where Tom Cleverley’s consistent selection is one of the great mysteries of the sport, and Michael Carrick is one of the world’s most overrated players. With Evra, Ferdinand and Vidic all out this summer, they’re now light of quality and experience in defence as well — I don’t see it with Chris Smalling or Phil Jones at all. To this they’ve added Luke Shaw to replace Evra, and Ander Herrera to the wide areas.

Players that United are crying out for — Cesc Fabregas and Toni Kroos in particular — have moved this summer for prices within United’s range and they’ve either shown no interest or been outbid. What people didn’t say enough last season, probably because they were too busy trying to be the week’s Roque Banter Cruz with the latest hilarious David Moyes GIF, is that United have been poor operators in the transfer market since chief executive David Gill was replaced by Ed Woodward.

Van Gaal will make a hell of a difference, probably lifting them back into the top four, but his team is short in a number of areas and he’ll know that.

If they were a character from The Simpsons… Nelson the Bully — self-explanatory.

Arry Says: “One of the biggest clabs in tha worwld you know? Moyesie has gone in there, was it too big for ‘im? Was ‘e given a fair crack? Obviously they’ve got this fella Van Gaal nagh so wew’ll see ‘ow they go.”

Bookies say: 5/1 third favourites.

LFW says: Third. Possibly fourth if Arsenal keep it together long enough.

Tottenham

In 140 characters or fewer… For all the chopping and changing of managers, frantic transfer dealings, broken fax machines, hard bargains etc etc still not a top four team.

Last Season: It was the definitive Tottenham Hotspur season. They spent most of their summer dragging every last penny out of a deal for their star player — Gareth Bale in this instance, for a world record fee of £100m to Real Madrid in the end — and then went out and made a whole load of signings with the cash that had the White Hart Lane faithful believing that regular top four football was finally set to be theirs. Watch out Arsenal, here we come — that sort of thing.

But if the final league table (Spurs finished sixth) wasn't enough to convince you that the North London side still aren't good enough for the top four, then their results across last season drew a very distinct line. For long periods of the season, including the first dozen matches (nine wins and a draw) they were absolutely find and looking good. When they played the top four however, on almost every occasion, they collapsed. They lost 6-0 and 5-1 to Manchester City , 5-0 and 4-0 to Liverpool, 4-0 to Chelsea , and on three separate occasions to Arsenal without conceding a goal. Daniel Levy demands Champions League football, and so there was yet another managerial change with Andre Villas Boas making way for Tactical Tim Sherwood.

All in all, the campaign was a bit of a debacle, and it reflects well on Sherwood that they ended up as high as sixth. Their recruitment last summer, which cost them £100m and only produced one out and out success from eight permanent additions (Danish midfielder Cristian Eriksen is a joy) left them with a hopelessly unbalanced squad. Grossly overstocked with central and wide midfield players, and yet with only Jermain Defoe, Roberto Soldado and Emmanuel Adebayor to select from upfront. Villas Boas wouldn't even entertain Adebayor as a substitute, and Soldado struggled in his first season in this country, leaving them to turn to young Harry Kane by the end of the campaign. The most expensive acquisition, Erik Lamela from Roma for £25.7m, was the biggest flop of all.

Andre Villas Boas remains an absolute mystery to me. Here is a man whose reputation seems to be based entirely on one exceptional season at Porto — operating with the biggest budget in one of Europe 's least competitive league — the fact he's worked with Jose Mourinho before, and that he achieved both of these things while still in his early 30s. That has so far been enough for Chelsea to throw an unbelievable contract and compensation package his way, and then, when his grand plans for reinvention at Stamford Bridge upset Big Racist John and the gang and got him the sack, a similarly attractive deal at Spurs. Both the London clubs will have paid through the nose to offload him, and he's walked straight into another job at Russian club Zenit who are also known for tossing good money after bad.

How does he keep doing it? He must be absolutely crawling in money now and nothing that he says or does on the field gives much clue as to why. This would be like Neil Lennon, who won everything there was to win at Celtic in his first managerial job, being handed first the Bayern Munich job and then, after a colossal pay off there, being taken on at Borussia Dortmund for similarly massive money. The obsession with the young (he's young you know, not sure if we mentioned that) Portuguese boss is baffling.

Sherwood arrived wearing a gilet, stomping his feet and making a lot of noise. His touchline presence was more angry teenager than Premier League football manager and although he recalled and revitalised Emmanuel Adebayor, and publicly called his players out after heavy defeats, those losses against the league's better teams kept coming and were rarely small.

In: Ben Davies, Swansea, £10m >>> Michel Vorm, Swansea, £5m part exchange >>> Eric Dier, Sporting Lisbon, £4m >>> Deandre Yedlin, Seattle, £2.5m >>>

Out: Jake Livermore, Hull, £8m >>> Gylfi Sigurdsson, Swansea, part exchange >>> Iago Falque, Genoa, undisclosed >>> Deandre Yedlin, loan, Seattle >>> Heurelho Gomes, Watford, free

This Season: So it's another new manager at Tottenham, Mauricio Pochettino getting out of Southampton nice and early before the majority of his starting 11 followed him through the St Mary's exit door. He's even promised to speak a bit of English this season, so we can look forward to some cutting and incisive comments in the crucial pre-match press conference, and never boring post-match debrief.

Interestingly, none of his former charges have followed him, although it's certainly not for the want of trying to land Morgan Schneiderlin — the Frenchman openly angry and perplexed why everybody has been allowed to leave except him. Expect some interest in Jay Rodriguez before the window closes as well. The main business so far has been done with Swansea — Ben Davies solving the left back issue for a steep £10m, Michael Vorm showing a chronic lack of ambition by agreeing to come and sit on the bench behind Hugo Lloris. Eric Dier from Sporting Lisbon and Deandre Yedlin from Seattle look like small gambles on potentially brilliant future prospects.

That's rather low key for Spurs and it could well be that despite the likes of Lamela and Soldado bombing badly last season, Daniel Levy would like to try those players with a different manager rather than getting the cheque book out and replacing them all. Pochettino is a Marcelo Bielsa disciple so expect Spurs to be fluid and stationed extraordinarily high up the field this season. Emmanuel Edebayor will lead the line with a supporting cast of three and its there, with Cristian Eriksen a shoo in, that last season's flops may find a second opportunity to flourish.

Pochettino has shown in difficult circumstances at Espanyol, and a rather kinder scenario at Southampton, that he's a far more accomplished manager than the chumps who preceded him, but several teams who finished above Spurs last season have improved again this summer, and Manchester United who were a place behind them have made their own managerial change. Have Tottenham progressed to the same extent? Time will tell, but at the moment, admittedly with two weeks of transfer window remaining, I fear not.

If they were a character from Mario Kart… Princess — lovely to look at and swift off the line, but somewhat skittish and easy to brush aside. Rarely in the reckoning at the finish line.

Arry Says: “Tottenham finished fourth when I was there no pwoblem at awll. Twice.”

Bookies say: 66/1 sixth favourites

LFW says: Seventh. While Pochettino certainly looks a better bet than Villas Boas this time last year, Spurs were miles behind the top six last year and they’ve all improved again this summer.

The Twitter @loftforwords

Pictures — Action Images

Photo: Action Images

CiderwithRsie added 22:10 - Aug 15 Excellent reminder of why, with the possible exception of Everton, I loathe and despise the lot of them. Say what you like about the shiteness of the Premiership, it is the only place where we have a chance of chucking a speck of grit into the eyes of any of this lot.
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Kaos_Agent added 06:47 - Aug 16 Thanks for this set of three previews Clive. It must have been very difficult for you to anoint Chelsea. I think Arsenal will do better than third or fourth if they can stay healthy (Ramsey, Walcott, Wilshere, Oxlade-Chamberlin). I don't see Sanchez flagging. He is after all one of those gritty Chileans and he has the level of talent that makes everyone else better. Boxing Day will be interesting.

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TacticalR added 21:42 - Oct 12 Thanks for a great overview of the oppo.
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