Derby County 0 Sheffield United 1 (Kilgallon 80)

12 September 2009, Pride Park Stadium

A ridiculous 1:00pm kick-off time, imposed at the insistence of the local constabulary, was probably the main reason why less than 26,000 Rams fans turned up for the encounter with Sheffield United at Pride Park.

A few more performances like this and Derby won't need the help of anyone to reduce their match-day carbon footprint, for this was simply awful.

Recent transfer activity saw Jordan Stewart and Lee Hendrie swap clubs, but neither made it onto the bench,let alone the respective starting XI's, which is a pity. The morgue-like atmosphere that pervaded Pride Park could only have been improved by the little bit of 'needle' that players eager to impress against their old clubs would have brought to the occasion.

Derby started brightly enough with Gary Teale cutting inside from the left and shooting from the edge of the area, but the ball struck Chris Morgan before spinning wide of the post. Teale's corner was the first of many which he placed unerringly into the waiting hands of Mark Bunn. It takes a great amount of skill to hit such a small target from distance, but Teale managed it consistently all afternoon.

Both teams seemed to be more keen on stifling whatever creativity the other could offer during the early exchanges, and by and large neither goalkeeper was tested. The Blades gradually began to impose themselves upon proceedings, but Keith Treacy sliced horribly wide on more than one occasion during the first quarter of an hour.

What problems Derby encountered were largely of their own making. Both Shaun Barker and Miles Addison were guilty of giving the ball away when under no pressure, but on each occasion the resultant chance fell to Treacy and all he did was keep the ball-boys occupied.

The soporific atmosphere was briefly interrupted by referee Andy D'Urso who decided to book both Montgomery and Savage for little more than powderpuff challenges, much to the annoyance of home and away fans alike.

Addison had one of those games he will want to forget. England's newest Under-21 international player won the ball, surged forward, gave it away and then missed his resultant challenge. Jamie Ward burst into the box with Darius Henderson alongside. Ward shot, Bywater saved brilliantly but the ball fell kindly to Henderson who turned it into the unguarded net. Sheffield United's celebrations were abruptly curtailed by the linesman's late, but correct, flag.

Lee Croft looked a lonely figure on the right. He spent much of his time jogging up and down the touchline, waiting for the ball that never came. Old One-Eye is hard-pressed to remember him actually touching the ball during the first 45 minutes. Teale, however, had plenty of company, with sometimes three Blades players keeping close watch on him.

Derby's best chance of the half fell to Stephen Pearson. For probably the only occasion during the entire match his tireless but somewhat random Weeble-like running actually took him to the same point in space-time as that which was occupied by the ball. Pearson, as surprised as everybody else that he had been picked out by Paul Green when even Heisenberg couldn't predict his whereabouts, took unerring aim and smashed the ball into Row Q.

The Rams, for the first time in a largely uneventful first half, pressed the Blades back. Teale seemed to have a clear run into the area, but referee D'Urso cleverly intercepted the pass to deny the wing man the chance to cross into Bunn's sticky fingers. Mercifully, the referee finally got something right and drew play to a close shortly afterwards.

Derby nearly fluked a goal right at the start of the second period. Gary Teale lifted a cross into the six yard box but for once missed the goalkeeper. The ball bounced on the top of the crossbar before being scrambled away at the far post. Meanwhile at the other end, Stephen Quinn blasted a half chance high, wide and far from handsome.

Referee D'Urso added Pearson and Morgan to his ever-growing list of autographs in a match that possessed little excitement and even fewer meaty tackles, as play became more and more compressed into the central midfield area. The increasingly fussy man in black then endeared himself even less to the home crowd when he pulled back play for a foul on Rob Hulse, just as Croft was about to touch the ball for once.

This was quickly followed by another bafflingly ridiculous moment of over-officiousness. Shaun Barker was invited to leave the field of play in order to tie up a bootlace, so the Sheffield United players decided to grab a drink. Mr D'Urso signalled Stephen Bywater to re-start play and when he did so, he immediately brought proceedings to a halt again for reasons known only to himself and an obscure footnote in the Referees' Handbook.

The introduction of Jake Livermore for Paul Green was a like-for-like substitution – the former gave the ball away with the same consistency as the latter, but with a little more flair. Similarly when Kris Commons came on for Lee Croft, the Scottish international went over to the far touchline, never to be seen again. United too made a series of changes that did little to alter proceedings – it was going to require something brilliant or silly to wrest a positive result from the game.

The brilliance was oh-so-nearly supplied by Rob Hulse when under intense pressure, he met a cross from Commons, who had swapped wings for a moment. His header, unfortunately for home fans, went the wrong side of the upright. The alternative – and inevitable - moment of madness the match had been screaming out for came with ten minutes to go.

Quinn meandered aimlessly in the general direction of the corner flag and Barker decided that this was the moment when he was going to deal with the situation with surgeon-like precision. Unfortunately, his challenge carried all the hallmarks of that of a tree-surgeon, and Quinn predictably crashed to the floor. The resultant free kick somehow found its way into the net via Walker, Kilgallon or Hulse – or possibly all three to give the visitors the lead.

Nigel Clough baffled supporters with his response to The Rams going one down – he brought on Dean Leacock for Shaun Barker and pushed Miles Addison into a more advanced role. Paul Dickov, a striker – that's S-T-R-I-K-E-R (defined in the dictionary as “A player whose purpose is to play as a forward and to score goals”) was left to warm the bench for the four minutes of added time, much to the frustration of the Derby supporters.

Deep into injury time, Jamie Ward could have made it two for the visitors when he burst through on goal with Leacock completely stranded on half way. It would have added insult to injury if he had done, because Sheffield United had been only marginally less awful than the home side. As it was, Stephen Bywater managed to block the forward's shot before Moxey scrambled the ball clear.

To a chorus of boos, Pride Park gave their verdict on what had been a totally inept performance. As the majority of the side skulked off to receive their requisite tongue-lashing from Mr Clough that their performance so richly deserved, it was left to Dean Moxey to applaud the faithful few who had been unable to escape from the ground before the bitter end.

Five minutes later, on the way to the pub, Old One-Eye heard that Nottingham Forest had just taken the lead, which soured his post-match pint of Pedigree. Luckily, Forest's lead didn't last as long as the pint.

Derby County: Bywater (6), Connolly (5), Barker (5) (Leacock 90), Addison (4), Moxey (7), Croft (5) (Commons 74, 4), Savage (5), Pearson (5), Green (4) (Livermore 62 4), Teale (5), Hulse (5)

Subs: Deeney, Buxton, McEveley, Dickov

Sheffield United: Bunn; Taylor, Morgan, Kilgallon, Walker; Ward, Quinn (France, 88), Harper, Montgomery, Treacy (Cotterill, 81); Henderson (Evans, 75).

Subs: Bennett, Reid, Little, Cotterill

Attendance: 28441 (2743 visitors)

Referee: Undies D'Arsole (Bramall Lane, Sheffield)

Old One-Eye's Man of the Match: Dean Moxey, because he did less wrong than anyone else

Photo: Action Images

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