Southampton has been shocked by the intensity of an outbreak of Premier League Fever, a disease that can turn normally rational people into rabid frothing at the mouth dervishes.

Premier League fever is a relatively new disease, the first case was diagnosed in England in 1992 and since then the number of cases have increased year on year to this years record numbers.

The symptoms are many, but first manifest themselves when the victim starts to talk gibberish and get unrealistic expectations about his football team.

It then escalates further with the victim becoming irrational and finding himself screaming abuse at individual players and ranting about relegation every time his team concedes a throw in near its own penalty box.

But that is just the beginning, it is a highly contagious disease and can spread quickly if not checked.

It usually manifests itself inside the stadium itself and those who have only had season tickets since the team got into the Premier League are the most vunerable, PLF attacks the mind & nervous system and these souls have not been able to build up their immunity in the Championship or League One.

Study has shown that those supporters who have been through that ordeal are far more able to fight off the destabilising affects of PLF.

But those who spent their time, not on staring at empty seats and praying for the good times to return, but on watching Match Of The Day with Gary Lineker and Gary Neville as their God have had their expectations falsely raised and are therefore very susceptible to catching it.

It is in many ways similar to Stone Roses Disease back in the early 1990's, when the Manchester band of the same name released their second album "Second Coming" which was less a resurrection and more a pile of sub Led Zeppelin guitar noodling.

If caught quickly it can if not cured be contained, at the first sign a threat of physical violence is usually enough to quell the symptoms, however this is not an advisable course of action unless you are medically trained and definitely not if the victim is bigger than you.

Saturday afternoon at 3.40pm will forever be etched on those present at St Mary's stadium, PLF struck with the force of a tsunami, at 3.39pm 28,000 people were sane rational human beings, a minute later a large proportion of them were unable to think clearly and rationally, if you have ever wondered what it was like at Pompei (you know that desolate ruined city ! Ok that desolate ruined city near Naples in Italy) then you know now if you were in one of the stands in the stadium.

So what are the symptoms and can it be cured ?

The symptoms are many but here are the main ones.

1. The victim harks on about the past
2. The victim starts muttering words like "selling club" "no Ambition"
3.The victim starts screaming words like "selling club" "no Ambition"
4. Frothing at the mouth
5. The victim starts to tell anyone within earshot that we could have won the title if we had held on to Schneiderlin/Clyne/Lallana/Shaw/Bale/Chivers/Wayman/Fry (CB not Roger) by now the victim has lost all sense of time.
6.The board/owner is blamed and accused of stripping assets.
7. The victim believes that all of the players sold were desperate to stay and only left because the board dragged them screaming to Old Trafford/Anfield/Emirates in a desperation to rake in cash
8. The victim believes that under a previous Chairman all of the sold players would have stayed and that Luis Suarez was nailed on in the summer.
9. An inability to remember four games ago when we were unbeaten in eight

As I say these are some of the main ones, at first there appearance will be temporary, after all we will clear most throw ins and corners and the victim will appear normal again, but don't be fooled this awful disease is just simmering under the surface once it has entered the blood stream it will attack mercilessly.

So are there any cures, yes there are some desperate ones, in 2005 our last outbreak the club had to be quarantined outside of the Premier League for 7 years and the victims of PLF were ordered to stay at home for that period.

Other cures are less time consuming but just as hard to implement, the victim has to get a grasp on reality and that is not always easy, but some that have worked include.

A. Showing the victim the Premier League table of December 2012 & then May 2013
B. Showing the victim the video of the fixture HMRC V Portsmouth Football Club
C. Showing the victim the current League Two table
D. Driving the victim through Paulsgrove (It is advised to keep the doors locked)
E. Showing the victim the current Premier League table
F. Showing the victim the 30 second video, "Dejan Lovren's top tackles for Liverpool"
G, Show the victim the video "Dejan Lovren's penalty" on repeat

So do you know anyone who showed any signs of these symptoms on Saturday in the stadium near you, if so then on Boxing Day you should wrap up warm and with water tight clothing, it is as we say highly contagious.

If the signs return and you are not trained in physical violence then inform the nearest steward that you believe that a carrier of PLF is nearby, they won't do anything but it sort if covers us if anyone does attempt any of the aforementioned cures.

But above all remember that this article is a bit of fun and so is football, no matter how bad you feel we have been we are still mid table and better off than we were 3 years ago and only slightly worse off than 2 years ago, if we keep calm and carry on our luck and for will change, would you rather be in this position than any of the past 10 years bar the last two, or indeed since 1992 when PLF was first diagnosed this is as high as we have been in virtually any season.

Football is a game of ups and downs, that is why when you have come through the downs the highs are that much sweeter for those who have held steady.

Photo: Action Images

SalisburySaint added 11:07 - Dec 21 I thought another symptom was p*ssing off out of ground after 80 mins everytime we are losing at that stage of the ground Bloke behind me quite rightly stated to me the majority of those leaving were never here in the League One days, apart form JPS final and promotion game against Walsall
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FrankSaint added 11:15 - Dec 21 I think it's the first team squad who have caught Premier League fever. There's a hint of the England team in the current squad - a sense of status and entitlement. At any level of football a team has to earn the right to play football. Firstly, by imposing themselves on the opposing team, secondly by being relentless, and thirdly, by getting into those dangerous spaces where one can score at the risk of taking a knock or trying something different. It would also help if they put some spin and bodyweight on their shots alla Vardy.

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Number_58 added 11:44 - Dec 21 Nick, as Salisbury Saint rightly pointed out, why did you not include the mass exoduses we see every week after 80 minutes (or 70 minutes in some cases, apparently)? It's getting worse by the week. When the team really needs the fans' support, a quarter of the ground is empty. If this was happening to our beloved friends down the road we'd be relentlessly taking the p*ss out of them for being fickle. Sort it out Nick!

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GeordieSaint added 12:39 - Dec 21 Bit harsh, second coming has got some top tunes on it.
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bstokesaint added 12:47 - Dec 21 Good effort Nick. It would have made me smile a lot more a few games ago though when "a blip" was an acceptable justification. I am concerned now that when I look at the table that we've gone from trying to achieve 2 points a game, to less than 1.5 points a game to looking like we'll have done slightly better than a point a game for the first half of the season. It's the most open season in the Premiership ever, with everyone beating everyone. If we'd been playing as well as we did last season then we'd be top 4 without a question. I've watched Leicester play and I think we were better last season than they are now, although we faded a bit towards the end of the season. I can't put my finger on what is wrong right now. I'll refrain from dwelling on pointless references to losing Morgan and Clyne in the summer and bringing in 'sub standard' players because I still don't think that's either correct or helpful. There seems to be a real disconnect and confidence issue at the moment. Our players are good enough to challenge for a top 6 spot but are letting themselves down, some more than others. Maybe it's time to drop those players. Also I can't help but feel we need to buy a natural goalscorer in the January window. I backed our strikers before the season began, but we're crying out for someone who gets 2 opportunities and scores 2 goals. We can't rely on trying to get a result in the hope that we'll create 20 odd shots on goal!!

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BoondockSaint added 16:50 - Dec 21 Bit harsh on the fans! Why shouldn't they give up and go home? The players already have 40 minutes earlier! If the players don't respond to the crowd's support in the first half hour, why would you think they would do so in the last half hour and are down 2 or 3 goals?
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DPeps added 18:16 - Dec 21 Franksaint -spot on Bstokesaint - agree with you but surely the standard of the replacements has a big part to play? Clearly we couldn't keep NC or MS so no point dwelling on that, but we've tried to repeat the trick from last season and not succeeded. I'm not saying all the players we've got in are rubbish, but with the exception of VvD none of them are PL-ready yet. I said from the start that Clasie would need a few months to up to speed and strength. Jay Rod is another factor here. I think the club were banking on him returning to full fitness and form. I hope I'm wrong but I'm not convinced that will happen any time soon. So far he's looked a shadow of what he was. ACL can destroy players and his was a particularly bad case. Hope it works out, but I think the club would be wiser assuming that he won't recover fully.

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bstokesaint added 19:03 - Dec 21 Valid points Peps. I think the one you make about Jay Rod is the most valid one. After being elated he signed a new contract he's in danger of becoming the forgotten man. It's such a shame because he was on fire when he got injured. We have to make signings in Jan. They're not panic buys, they're essential to kick some new life into this team. We've lost our edge. As others have stated before we don't need to buy that in midfield if we get Harry Reed back in. I'm still backing Ron to turn this around, but I'd rather it was sooner rather than later.

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aceofthebase added 07:52 - Dec 22 Sales of rose tinted glasses have fallen and the shop keepers stocking them cannot even give them away despite Nick wandering aimlessly around St Marys advertising them. There is hope for the shopkeepers tho as they have imported a whole range of blinkers which enables the wearers to continue down the same narrow path without observing others overtaking them. Nick was first into the shop and swears by them and is encouraging the whole of Hampshire to buy them. It seems that Bournemouth have ignored him and prefer to use binoculars to give them a clear sight into the future, if only they would catch on in Southampton but some are unjustly prejudiced against them.

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Bettwsresident added 14:45 - Dec 22 Bstokesaint "Also I can't help but feel we need to buy a natural goalscorer in the January window. I backed our strikers before the season began, but we're crying out for someone who gets 2 opportunities and scores 2 goals. We can't rely on trying to get a result in the hope that we'll create 20 odd shots on goal!!" couldn't agree more, this was our problem last year as well...this year we are about the worst in the league, and the oft repeated stat that Saints have put in more crosses from open play than any other team, reflects badly on our strikers not being able to capitalise. Even with Mane's record hat trick last year he got 2 bites at the cherry for 2 of the goals. the first 30 mins against villa was especially painful as good chances were repeatedly blazed over the top. I will take the rough with the smooth and have been a saints fan since 1986 so have seen plenty of rough, but it does frustrate me when this team that has the potential to be one of the best saints have ever put on the field plays well to create opportunities and the strikers fluff their lines. I will never leave a game early or abuse players....I remember a game against Coventry in the late 80's when my Dad took me out early to beat the traffic and we went from 0-2 to 3-2 in the last few mins......each roar cut a bit deeper!

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