Straw Prices Soar On Merseyside As Clutching Increases Tenfold Friday, 18th Aug 2017 13:59 The price of a bale of straw on Merseyside has rocketed this week after Ralph Krueger's emphatic statement that Virgil Van Dijk will not be sold. The price of Gold was eclipsed on Friday morning when its £989 per ounce value on the bullion market trading floor was smashed at a farmers market near Ormskirk when a bale of straw was sold at a World record price that when weighed worked out at around £1,300 per ounce. The reason has been the recent upsurge in straw clutching amongst Liverpool fans trying to think of reasons why the Virgil Van Dijk deal is still as close as it was five months ago when it was originally revealed in a speech at the May meeting of the Ex Liverpool Players Association. Back then a bale of straw could be bought for as little as £1 equating to around 00.02p an ounce but that has all changed and prices have risen steadily since those heady days of May. The recent announcement from Ralph Krueger that Van Dijk would not be sold saw prices rocket, with Merseyside Police saying that they had seen nothing like it since the drug wars of the late 80's. Indeed it is said that Everton fans although not directly involved in the Van Dijk deal have been buying up straw supplies over the past few months to drive up prices. An article by Liverpool fan website Empire Of The Kop this week saw trading in straw suspended on the Straw Exchange, on the back of their claims that Saints new Chinese owners were not injecting cash for transfers and Mauricio Pellegrino would have to sell to buy in new players. That led to not a single piece of straw left in the Liverpool Club shop by Friday morning and a full scale panic in the City. Hardest hit are rabbit owners who are now concerned about the welfare of their pets, previously pampered bunnies used to resting on straw, now have the shredded sports pages of the Liverpool Echo torn up to line their hutches. Indeed house burglary has dropped by 75% in the last 3 days on Merseyside, but raids on rabbit Hutches are at an all time high and Police admit they are powerless to protect Merseyside pets, with rabbits now on the endangered spcies list for the first time since Watership Down was released in 1978. John Lennon Airport is also being affected with flights in from Norwich being highly scrutinised, customs officials are looking for Straw carriers who may have secreted stashes in bodily orifices in order to get it into circulation from areas where it is produced and supplies are still plentiful. The Merseyside drug dealer once glorified for his BMW car and Stafforshire Bull Terrier image, is now being overtaken by those who now want to be straw dealers with the attendant lifestyle, impressionable teenagers have been stealing tractors from nearby rural Lancashire and taken to driving down the Albert Dock on them wearing Hunters Wellies and their trousers held up by string. A warning has now gone out on Merseyside to only buy straw from legitimate sources, don't buy the brown straw is the warning, it could be contaminated, although Straw Counsellors have said that as long as it is not sucked but only clutched there should be no danger. The crisis is expected to last for at least another fortnight, but it is hoped that by then it will ease off, at least for four months. Uk Straw agencies have issued guidelines of you think that a friend or family member may be showing signs of Straw Clutching. Signs and Symptoms Typical signs and symptoms of Straw use include: Increased agitation. If you notice someone with these symptoms then you should call the helpline immediately Photo: Action Images Please report offensive, libellous or inappropriate posts by using the links provided.
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