With a much-needed victory at Oxford in the bank, what’s left of the QPR squad have a swift turnaround against high flying Bristol City tomorrow.

QPR (12-13-16 LLDLDW 15th) v Bristol City (16-15-10 DDWLWW 5th)

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I’m not sure what Bristol City think they’re playing at. One defeat in ten, three wins in four, they’re in danger of entering this May’s playoffs as the confident, form side. Ten years in the Championship, never higher than eighth or lower than 19th, 16 of the last 18 years at this level, and you’re just going to toss all that aside and leave us down here with Preston are you? Selfish.

I get you’ve got to aspire to more. The Robins haven’t been in the top flight of English football since 1980. Generations have grown up in that city knowing only lower league football. To finally see your club running out at Old Trafford, Anfield, St James’ Park and the rest is something the Robins have craved for literally generations. Sport is about achieving, it’s about winning, it’s about medals and trophies. Life is about excitement, and variety, and new experiences. But, then, do Ipswich Town look like they’re having a nice time to you?

In a volatile world there’s also something to be said for the familiar. For the pub where you have a usual table. For the breakfast café that knows your order as soon as you walk in. In a news cycle that brings new terror at every turn, do you really want to be branching out and trying something new right now?

I mean, sure, you could watch Adolescence. You could sit yourself down and have Netflix pipe that four-hour ordeal into your television set. Oooh, Stephen Graham, isn’t he fantastic? You can sit in stunned silence after each episode, and have deep and meaningfuls with your other half about which bits of the episode spoke to you. That kid’s only 15 you know. That’s his first major acting role you know. You can be part of the conversation at wanky, middle class dinner parties. Because yes, you have seen it. And yes, you did know it was filmed all in one rolling take. And yes, it does speak to our society, doesn't it? It speaks to our society today. Vital, it is. Vital. Nod along as politicians are harangued if they haven’t watched it, while there’s an actual war going on, just over there.

Or you could watch Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares on Channel 4. A programme you’ve seen a thousand times before. A programme with zero societal value or messaging at all. Just chefs shouting at each other. Momma Cherri’s Soul Food Shack; Nick trying to run a three Michelin starred restaurant with a £75 main course on the menu in Kings Lynn; Alan Love’s frozen fish restaurant; just the five heart attacks for Brian at the Fenwick Arms. You go in, you meet all the characters you’ve met before, there’s some yelling, the programme ends, the restaurant closes down anyway.

There is plenty to be said for this background, comfort blanket viewing. A set format you know, and don’t have to think about.

We open with a wide drone shot of the location. Cars buzz in traffic formation. Feet pound the pavement. Cut away to an unsuspecting local caught sunbathing in the park. It could be anywhere, and so the producers interject a generic voiceover to tell you Shepherd’s Bush is an increasingly wealthy and gentrified corner of London’s "west side", home to young families and city professionals (cut away of the tube station) and, we’re told, “the perfect place to open a local family football club”.

Sadly, the local gaff isn’t cutting it, and nobody knows why. Few black and white shots of Adel Taarabt charging about, lingering shots of Naomi Campbell in the VIP suite. Line cook Ilias has been through it all and wears a faraway look into the camera. Diners used to travel from miles around to taste his tagine. Now, nobody’s coming for dinner amidst a steady succession of head chefs. Illy talks with some horror about the one they hired from his country pub, The Wanderer, who turned up to work dressed as a cowboy. He left soon after attracting disastrous publicity with an Aboriginal night featuring a guest chef. “Oh, God, we don’t talk about Māori night,” he says.

Gordon enters stage left, apparently in an incredible rush, walking and talking, past the Territorial Army base on South Africa Road, reasserting the area’s potential, “just a stone’s throw from the Westfield shopping mall. The perfect location”.

“Now,” he says, “I’m dying to meet these Malaysian owners who’ve sunk every penny they’ve got into driving this thing, only to have this thing… drive them… into the ground. Let’s go.”

We catch first sight of the venue. Gordon gives it a quick up and down. “This is it. Is this it?,” Ramsay asks a producer off camera. Some nodding. “My God,” he says, “gawdy monstrosity. The colour of this place. Wow. Somebody got a good price on some blue paint. Fuck me.”

Insta-reaction in the can we push through the doors and meet a gormless receptionist who’s been purposely set up for the benefit of the show with a diary that doesn’t have the reservation in it. (The diary never has the reservation in it).

Having met the restaurant, it’s time to meet the chef. Marti Cifuentes, we’re told, is a Catalonian paella enthusiast who made his name running Scandi-Spanish fusion start-ups in Norway, Sweden and Europe’s up and coming restaurant capital Copenhagen. Marti smiles into the camera as if nothing is wrong. Gordon praises his firm handshake and good looks. “You can’t be a head coach,” Gordon exclaims. “Where are the lines on your face? You look like you’re here on half term. Fuck me.” Marti laughs. Gordon laughs. All is well. “It’s been a good week,” says head chef Marti. “The team have prepared well, we’re looking forward to the game ahead.” He rates the team a good “seven or eight out of ten”. “And the procurement?” “First class,” he replies. Gordon, who’s been well prepped by a researcher, nods enthusiastically, says he can’t wait to try the football, and he’ll see Marti later.

Seats taken and programme in hand, Gordon surveys his options. The official website is advertising a fully available Rayan Kolli, fresh back in this week and the best around. The grizzled maître d' Dave McIntyre has been with the restaurant 35 years and confesses that actually it’s frozen and he wouldn’t risk it on a midweek night despite most of the other options being unavailable.

“How can you have a menu with this many options missing?” asks Gordon. This, he’s told, is probably more a question for Christian, the restaurant manager. “Well, let’s have a word with Christian then,” he says. While a runner hastily fixes up that shot the voiceover returns to tell us Christian is just 27-years-old, and has never managed a restaurant before. He’s been butting heads with Chef Marti over some sub-standard Danish caviar he spent premium prices on but Cifuentes refuses to serve. Christian appears in an open neck shirt. Gordon has a bit of a shout and a yell. “Danish caviar? Fuck me.”

“Who's maintaining standards in the kitchen?"
“Well, that’s me. Marti. Andy. We all chip in really.”
"Right and who's managing inventory, staffing, rotas, come on…"
"Well, that’s me too..."
“And you’ve never managed a restaurant before? Fuck me.”

Back in the dining room, the afternoon lunch service quickly unravels. Customers are leaving early having not been served what they ordered, and those that remain mumble and grumble. A 0-0 with Cardiff plays out which Chef Gordon later describes as “the worst thing he’s ever seen”. Chef Marti says while people may disagree, he thinks it’s been a reasonably successful afternoon. Not a ten by any means, but not far off a six. Gordon tells him to halve it, then take two away.

“Smell that. No, just, first, smell that. Does that smell like a striker to you? What does that smell like?”
“A midfielder.”
“A midfielder. Thank you. Fuck me.”

About a third of the way through the broadcast hour, we do an inspection of the walk-in. Gordon finds stacks of expensive produce parked across the front row. A Swiss Michi Frey imported from Germany, a Slovenian Zan Celar from Switzerland, a fine prime cut of aged Steve Cook, a beautifully smooth Jake Clarke-Salter, Japanese Koki Saito imported from a distributor in Belgium, all left to sit out in the sun. Gordon’s appalled: “At least somebody’s enjoying the football, fuck me.” (There are some open mussels. There are always some open mussels. “You’ll kill somebody”.)

Marti and Christian are called together for a conflab so Chef Gordon can have another bit of a shout and chuck a few insults around. “You’ve got all this expensive produce sitting here, and you’re asking him to make Championship soufflés with a Daniel Bennie you’ve stuck on a plane from Australia. This is crazy, no? We may as well close the restaurant now and tell everybody to fuck off home.” Christian says the restaurant is doing the best it can with what it can afford to buy, but admits the line cook in charge of prep has been working remotely from Dubai since last July. “Dubai? The prep chef? … Fuck me. Extraordinary.”

Gordon shakes his head and exits. He’ll see them tomorrow. The voiceover shouts "COMING UP NEXT" over some footage of Chef Gordon hitting the head of procurement over the head with a baguette. Then it’s time to try and sell your nan some more piss pads under the dubious promise she’ll be fine to play tennis in these, incontinent or otherwise.

After the commercial break it’s all soft focus and piano music. The mood is more conciliatory. Tears are shed. Gordon tones down the yelling. “You’re going all over the world, Spanish chef, Japanese wingers, Danish caviar… It doesn’t have to be that complicated. You’re in Shepherd’s Bush, you’re in the Championship. Seasonal, local, League One ingredients, cooked simply. Nothing more. Bish, bash.”

We’re about 35 minutes in now and the next format point to hit is… a new menu. Is there a burger? You better believe it. Could be a barbecue joint, could be a sushi restaurant, could be a curry house, could be a 15-course tasting menu accessible only via a six-hour hike through treacherous mountain terrain guided by a blind monk – there’ll be a burger. “This could be the hallmark of the restaurant, you know that? People will tell their friends about this burger. You’ll be walking round Shepherd’s Bush Green like Proudcock,” says Gordon, churning beef mince with his bare hands.

Chef Marti opens up about his youth idolising Chef Johan Cruyff and his world famous 4-3-3. “The penny’s just dropped for me, you know that,” says Gordon. “You’ve fallen out of love with it. You’ve lost your passion for football. We’re going to get you back to that, big boy.”

While Christian is sent outside with an obviously inadequate pot of one coat gloss to repaint the front of the stadium (“VIBRANT”), Chef Marti and Gordon work together to prepare a simple, traditional midfield using just three ingredients – Jack Colback, Jonathan Varane, Sam Field. “This is how you were cooking when you were doing well,” Gordon says. Chef Marti smiles, and nods. He agrees he lost “his spark, his drive” but already now, as Colback needlessly clatters through the back of one of the youth teamers, he says he can feel it returning. Gordon says the midfield three is going on, as a special, tomorrow night, at the Oxford game.

Another 45 seconds or so with those bastard meercats and we’re back for part three of three. It’s relaunch night. The guys are taking their new concept on the road, to the beautiful university town of Oxford, “exactly the sort of clientele we’re going to need to attract if the burger concept is to be a success”. Gordon’s got a surprise in store - he’s invited 1,500 special guests to come and eat for just £28 a head. Not just any guests either, it’s the air traffic controllers/ballet dance troop/D list local celebs who were so disgusted with what they’d been served at the Cardiff game just a week ago. “Watch that away end like a hawk, big boy, understood?”

To the surprise of absolutely nobody who’s ever seen the show before, service is a tremendous success. The three-man midfield dominates conversation as early goals fly in. The away end purrs satisfaction. Cut to somebody writing a review for the local paper – “miles better than last week, miles better”.

With still time left to fill in the edit, there must of course be a complication. About two thirds of the way through service, Chef Marti has run out of midfielders. He’s flapping around looking for a substitute. Oxford steal in and score a goal while he’s doing so. Gordon, working the pass, is fuming. “Not tonight chef, not tonight of all nights, fuck me.” Cut to a dimly lit piece-to-camera out on the fire escape, Gordon shaking his head. “All he’s got to do is put the substitute board up, and bring somebody else on, he can’t even do that. Fuck me.”

This being television, the show cannot end like this way. Chef Marti brings it back together. A victory is secured. Cut aways of beaming smiles, B-roll footage of Chef Marti charging off down the touchline, and a final lingering shot of him saluting and celebrating with his adoring fans. Even that sour faced woman from the donkey sanctuary is impressed. “I’ve got it back, back in here,” he says, thumping his chest. Over champagne Marti confirms his passion for football has returned, and gives sous chef Xavi a big kiss on his bald head. The staff cheer. Christian politely applauds from the director’s box.

Summing up to camera, Gordon describes it as “probably his toughest challenge yet”. “Didn’t think they were going to get there. Honestly.” Says he’s put this restaurant back on the road to success. (A quick postscript set of subtitles cut in at the end say it finished 16th anyway, like it always did before, and Chef Marti returned to Catalonia that summer to spend more time with his vegetable patch.) Chef Gordon walks off into the middle distance shaking his head and saying: “Danish caviar, fuck me.”

So go to the Premier League if you must, Bristol City. Get your big Netflix series if that’s what you want. We’ll stay here with what we know and love. You’ll miss us, and quietly end up admitting you prefer it here. We’ll be waiting for you when you get back. Probably on some sort of six-match losing run.

Links >>> Is the jailbreak on? Oppo Profile >>> A good Hart these days is hard to find – History >>> Doughty in charge – Referee >>> Bristol City official website >>> The Exiled Robin — Blog >>> One Team In Bristol — Message Board >>> Bristol Post — Local Paper >>> One Stream In Bristol — Podcast >>> Fevs Football Analytics - Contributor's page

Below the fold

Team News: Probably just as well QPR were able to hang on through that second half at Oxford on Wednesday and get the win, because I wouldn’t want to be the guy picking a side to beat Bristol City from what Rangers have got left available now. The good news is Koki Saito is back and fresh after a three-match ban, and Rayan Kolli was back as far as the bench at the Kassam Stadium. But another three players were lost to injury in that game with Sam Field concussed, Kenneth Paal clutching his hammy, and Paul Smyth removed late on as well. Michi Frey might be able to make a return but Zan Celar and Jake Clarke-Salter are long termers and Steve Cook isn’t training. Bring your boots and get a game.

Posh Scott Twine scored City’s goal in the first meeting at Ashton Gate, but has missed their wins against Watford and West Brom since the international break with a groin injury picked up in defeat at his former club Burnley. Liam Manning is giving the free kick specialist every last moment to prove he’s fit for this one. Despite Twine’s absence, top scorer Anis Mehmeti has been bench bound for the recent games with George Earthy and Max Bird picked as the attacking pair behind evergreen Nahki Wells. The decision to allow centre backs Rob Atkinson and Kal Naismith both to go out on loan in January could yet hobble City’s promotion hopes – Luke McNally has since injured his ACL and Cam Pring has had to fill in at centre back. That might be just as well for City this weekend, given how Pring seems to struggle against Paul Smyth.

Elsewhere: Five to go then and, apart from Sunderland sitting snugly in fourth ahead of their game with Swanselona, everything still to be decided at top and bottom.

For the automatic promotion spots it remains three into two, and they’re involved in all the early games this weekend. Scott Parker’s free-flowing, fast moving entertainment machine Burnley are drawing 0-0 at home to Norwich tonight, then in the lunchtime games tomorrow Red Bull Leeds are at home to Preston Knob End while Sheffield Red Stripe will try and put a nightmare week of two defeats behind them with victory all the way down at bottom side Plymouth – another super kind pick for an early kick off by our Sky Overlords that one.

Our opponent Bristol City are currently in possession of fifth place with 63 points, with Frank Lampard’s Coventry City a point and place back in sixth. The Sky Blues wait until Monday to play struggling Hull having won another game with the last kick of injury time at home to Portsmouth during the week – when that happens as often as it is for Cov at the moment you start to wonder whether it might be their year.

Hoping not will be Middlesbrough, two points back in seventh and facing a tough trip to in form Millwall this Saturday. Alex Neil has the Marxist Hunters just five points shy of the top six themselves now so that’s a big game for both. In between, in eighth, are West Brom, who just can’t buy an away win at the moment so will need a victory against a checked out Watford side at The Hawthorns this weekend to keep their promotion flame burning.

It's a huge weekend at the bottom end of the division, with four of the teams in the mix playing each other. Cardiff currently hold the final relegation spot, with Derby fourth bottom, but both teams have 42 points and there’s only goal difference in it. Both face an opponent this weekend they’re trying to drag into trouble with them. Derby host Portsmouth, who have 45 points and would surely be safe with a win at Pride Park but have only won two away games all season. Cardiff, meanwhile, host Stoke, who are just two points ahead having conceded a last second equaliser at home to Luton during the week. That keeps both the Potters and the Hatters in the picture, and with points sure to be dropped across those two fixtures it’s a great opportunity for Matt Bloomfield’s side to get above the dotted line if they can take advantage of what is as close to a gimme as you get in this league at the moment at home to troubled Blackburn.

Oxford are probably one win shy of safety now, but again it’s the inability to win on the road that’s weighing them down. Can they take advantage of the ongoing psychodrama that is Derek Chansiri at Sheff Wed and get that valuable victory at Hillsborough?

Referee: Blackpool official Leigh Doughty in charge of this, his first QPR game since the home cup tie with Luton back in August. QPR are 2-1-4 with this official but his marks from LFW have been good. Details.

Form

QPR: What were you all worried about, it’s now just one defeat in four games for the rejuvenated Rangers? In all seriousness, the midweek victory at Oxford was much needed as it lifted the R’s to 15th in the league, but more importantly put seven points between them and Cardiff on the league ladder with only 15 points to play for and four of the teams below playing each other this weekend. It was the R’s first win in eight attempts following five defeats and two draws. At Loftus Road they’ve drawn the last two and lost only two of the last 12, but it’s only two wins in six for the Hoops in W12.

Liam Morrison continues his fine individual stats despite QPR’s struggles this year. He hasn’t lost any of his 11 starts for the club (W6 D5). They have conceded just seven goals with him on the pitch this season across his 851 minutes of action (11 starts and five sub appearances). The team has kept nine clean sheets all season, and Morrison has played in six of those despite only making 16 appearances. In contrast, Wednesday night was Karamoko Dembele’s first win in Rangers colours in 16 outings. His assist for Yang Min-Hyeok was his fourth of the season but his first since Michi Frey’s goal against Millwall here on September 22. QPR have averaged 1.3 points per game when Sam Field has played compared to 0.7 per game when he's been absent.

Ole Romeny’s own goal on Wednesday night was the fourth time this season an opponent has kindly put through his own net for Rangers this season. Own goals moves back to third top scorer with four, level with Rayan Kolli and only beaten by Michi Frey with eight and Jimmy Dunne with five. Including own goals as one, QPR have had 23 different scorers this year which is a club record. Jack Supple tells us eight of those goals have been scored by teenagers in all comps, which is as many as they’d scored for the club between the 2009-10 and 2023-24 seasons combined.

Bristol City: When these sides met at Ashton Gate in December it was looking like another season of midtable stodge for a Bristol City side that has played 16 of its last 18 seasons in this division and is currently in a tenth consecutive year in the second tier – the highest they’ve finished in that time is eighth and the lowest is 19th. They won just six of their first 22 league fixtures and the 1-1 with QPR was one of nine draws. Since then, however, they’ve come on strong and arrive in London sitting fifth in the table with five games left to play – 63 points is already their best total in five years. Liam Manning’s side have won ten and lost only four of the 20 games played since that day. They’ve won three of the last four games and lost only one of the last nine. They haven’t conceded more than one in a game for 13 matches. For all of that, they are weirdly poor away from home. Just four victories from 20 away fixtures is by far the worst total of the play-off contenders – Hull, in 19th, have won seven road games. They have won just one of their last 12 away fixtures, at Millwall three trips ago.

Meetings between these sides have tended to favour the away sides of late. Paul Smyth’s spectacular long ranger and 1-1 draw was tantamount to daylight robbery at Ashton Gate in a first meeting this season dominated entirely by the Robins and it extended the R’s unbeaten record on that ground to five after winning the previous four visits. Bristol City also drew their last visit to Loftus Road, 0-0 in Marti Cifuentes’ first home game in charge way back last November, and that extended their unbeaten record in Shepherd’s Bush to eight – they too had won the previous four games on this ground. That sequence does, however, include a 3-3 draw in the League Cup that Rangers subsequently won on penalties under Mark Warburton.

City bring three former QPR players back to the capital in their team. Rob Dickie scored eight times in 129 centre back appearances for the R’s between 2020 and 2023, Sinclair Armstrong scored four from 64 appearances (almost half as sub) between 2021 and 2024, and Nahki Wells bagged 22 in 72 across two separate loan spells in 18/19 and 19/20. Wells is enjoying a real Indian summer with City this year, second top scorer here with ten behind former Wycombe man Anis Mehmeti with 12. Wells has six career goals against Rangers in 13 appearances for Huddersfield and Bristol City. Wells has scored in both of Bristol City’s last two league games; the last time he scored in three successive league appearances was for QPR in January 2020. Armstrong has scored just three goals in 17 starts and 16 sub appearances since moving to City last summer – he comes into this game without a goal in 16 appearances.

Prediction: In our Prediction League for 2024/25 we’ll once again be handing out prizes for being top at Christmas and overall winner from The Art of Football - sample the merch from our sponsor’s newly extended QPR collection here. For the first time last year we had joint winners so this season you’ll be hearing from one or both WestonsuperR and SimplyNico in the match previews...

Nico’s Prediction: “The Hoops had quite the night of it up in Oxford. Who knew they could dig up that sort of performance from this squad? Bristol are next up. The problems we will face are a team that is up for the playoffs (with evergreen Nakhi Wells in it) and QPR with Sam Field seemingly out and Rayan Kolli possibly only fit for a half. Despite the Oxford performance, I do not see it as being the start of a run of good form with the squad Marti has to pick from.”

Weston’s Call “Have to wonder what sort of team we can put out for this match considering our extensive and seemingly ever-growing injury list. If Marti can cobble together a team, and they show the same attitude as at Oxford (which was excellent) then we can get something. Being from the West Country this is my personal derby match, would absolutely love to derail City’s playoff push but with the form they have an array of ex-R’s all waiting to come back and haunt us it won’t be easy.”

Nico’s Prediction: QPR 0-2 Bristol City. No scorer.

WestonSuperR’s Prediction: QPR 1-1 Bristol City. Scorer – Karamoko Dembele

LFW’s Prediction: QPR 0-2 Bristol City. Scorer – Nahki Wells

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Pictures - Ian Randall Photography

jfk added 19:39 - Apr 11 This is absolutely brilliant. Thanks for all your writing
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stinkydad added 21:06 - Apr 11 Hysterical. Your best yet I think Clive. Thanks
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Patrick added 22:44 - Apr 11 Well. Match review or what? Still hooting with laughter. The one quality you need as QPR supporter is...sense of humour. Brilliant.
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062259 added 23:07 - Apr 11 inconsequential
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Oxfordhoop added 23:26 - Apr 11 Absolute genius. 😂
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royinaus added 05:29 - Apr 12 Brilliant Clive, Best since the one about the chap who turned up as a 1973 vagina
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bellomatic added 08:37 - Apr 12 Fantastic… pure joy! Thanks Clive
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Marshy67 added 09:43 - Apr 12 F** k me! That made for laugh out loud reading! A match review to savour and read over and over again. Classic stuff Clive.
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HastingsRanger added 09:49 - Apr 12 Excellent - as always. Thanks Still laughing about the King Arthur reference from your last piece! Regarding Dembele on a winning side, I thought I saw him playing in the Luton away win?
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Westway added 10:34 - Apr 12 That Bristol preview was excellent!
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francisbowles added 13:57 - Apr 12 Another excellent piece. I've run out of superlatives.😁
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TacticalR added 14:47 - Apr 12 Thanks for your preview. Our broth has been spoiled, our fusion hasn't fused, although I am not sure if that is due to exotic foreign ingredients. Like WestonSuperR, I wonder what kind of side we can put out. At least after the win at Oxford this game is not make or break.
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